Chad OchoCinco is so last year...

...and Chad Child Please is 2009. In an interview with ESPN's John Buccigross, Ochocino told the reporter that he wants to change her name to Chad "Child Please", after his coined catch phrase.

Chad has been on ESPN and will be on Letterman tonight promoting his new book, "Ochocino". So it's--in all likelihood--a publicity stunt. But I love that name. It has a certain ring to it. And I'm happy to see him having a great year. The NFL is much better seeing his name in the headlines from week-to-week.

A little confused about the Child Please name change? I'll let Chad explain for himself.

Hard Knocks S05E01 - Chad Ochocinco: "Child Please"
Uploaded by thegame91. - See more comedy videos.

In Honor of Halloween--The Scariest Boobs in the History of Boobs. Ever.......Boobs.

C'mon! You think I wasn't going to round out "Save the Ta-Tas Week" early on a Thursday? I care too much to do that. Plus, there are some tits that should be locked up in turtle necks forever. I'm sorry, but in journalism you need to get the all sides of the story.

I'm working for the weekend here so there's only 5. Plus, do you really want to look at 11 pictures of nasty, hideous, disfigured titties? Me neither. You freaks can do that on your time, thank you very much.

5. I start off with the triplet tits because as odd as it looks, I'm very intrigued. I would just like to see the bras that she wears. I have a tough enough time unhinging a normal bra, let alone one made for triplet tits. I know 2 tits are always better than 1 tit, but are 3 better than 2? Sometimes less really may be more.4. Like I said, sometimes less really is more. And where is this hog working where she can wear stripper stockings and a waaaaayyyyyyy too skimpy office skirt. Wow. I'd like to ask the guy who hired her where his dick went.
3. It looks like her breasts are running away from each other! Clearly this woman believes in the separate-but-equal act. It's too bad because she is actually pretty hot.

2. Her tits are so hard that her nipples can cut diamonds. That's a plus for the freak who marries the female version of the Terminator. I bet she likes the twirpy type. You know so she can ride on top and wear the pants.
1. Note to all teens: The hazards of anorexia without exercising. If you're going to be anorexic get on a fucking elliptical, crank that shit up to 8 with an incline of 10 and tone that shit up. No excuses.

DADDY'S HOME!!!!! Pedro starts Game 2 for Phils at the Stadium

After leaving the Tri-State area in a state of shock last night, the Philadelphia Phillies trot Pedro Martinez to the mound for Game 2. THEE Pedro Martinez. You know, the guy who said he'd bean Babe Ruth? You mean to tell me you never saw Pedro proclaim "I'm in your head!" to Jorge Posada? Okay but you had to have seen him suplex a geriatric Don Zimmer at Fenway Park?

Yes it's true. Pedro Martinez has a lure to him. He doesn't just love the spotlight. He thrives in it. In fact, he lives in the spotlight. Good or bad, high or low Pedro loves to be the guy on the mound when his team needs to send a message. The Phillies do not want to let up on the throats of the Yankees. And who better to do it in Yankee Stadium than Pedey? Here's a look at some of Pedro's best games that happen to be at the Stadium.

• 9/10/99 - 9 IP, 1 H, 0 ER, o BB, 17 K
• 5/28/00 - 9 IP 4 H, 0 ER, 0 BB, 9 K
• 5/24/01 - 8 IP 6 H, 2 ER, 1 BB, 12 K
• 7/7/03 - 7 IP, 5 H, 1ER, o BB, 11 K
• 9/5/03 - 6 IP, 4 H, 1 ER, 0 BB, 9 K

I can already hear Yankee fans now, "But what have you done for me lately, Pedro?"

• 9/3/09 vs SF - 7 IP, 5 H, 1 ER, 1 BB, 9 K
• 9/13/09 vs NYM - 8 IP, 6 H, 0 ER, 1 BB, 7 K
• 10/16/09 vs LAD - 7 IP, 2 H, 0 ER, 0 BB, 3 K

Is that enough proof for ya? Pedro is back, folks. He always had pinpoint location. Mariano Rivera and Greg Maddux have thrived off of mediocre stuff and superb control. Now I'm not saying that Game 2 is in the bag, Philly fans. Burnett is going to come out of the gates ready to rebound C.C.'s performance.

Bold Prediction of the Night: Pedro buzzing either a) Alex Rodriguez b) Mark Texiera c) Derek Jeter or d) a combination of the three. That's Pedro plate, baby! No touches his plate!

Pedro, Phils take down Burnett, Yanks 5-3 in Game 2. And despite my better Red Sox judgement, I am posting this video because it is hilarious (minus the final 30 seconds).

The Most Incredible Boob Jobs Witnessed!

Today marks the final day of "Save the Ta-Tas Week". I'm holding back the tears as we speak. This has been a huge success and I would to thank everyone for showing more support than the Wonder Bra! It's much appreciated.

With all the mushy stuff outta the way...on to the boob jobs! Like days in the past, I'll be bringing you the top 10 boob jobs in Hollywood with an honorable mention for your viewing pleasure.

11. Stephanie McMahon-Levesque- Massive fun bags. The daughter of WWE mogul, Vince McMahon, has had obvious augmentation in her upper chestal area. But still didn't make me attracted to her. I just thought this was a good throwback for everyone who loved wrestling growing. Plus, the picture isn't even good. I mean, the chick's wearing a skull cap.10. Pamela Anderson- She takes down the honor as the only woman to appear on two different days of Save the Ta-Tas Week. Phenomenal! The girl's got skills...or maybe just really big tits. She's had implants, then got them taken out, then put back in. You got a great thing going as the pornstar version of Marilyn Monroe, stick with it.9. Heidi Montag- Implants were a must-have for this wanna-be celeb. Because I still have yet to figure out her talent. And the scary thing is, I don't think she has either. So when in doubt, get a boob job! The best investment a dumb ass can make. But damn she looks good!
8. Carmen Electra- Ms. Montag could learn a thing or two from Carmen here. Untalented and unquestionably a knockout, Ms. Electra has made a long-standing career with her plastic surgery. I'm not saying that Carmen is Albert Einstein, but not sounding so vapid and shallow is a start too, Heidi. HA!
7. Shannon Elizabeth- Probably the reason why I have an obsession with European girls. As a horny pre-teen I feel in love with her and her titties on "American Pie". I would have her higher on the list, but I don't totally believe that she has fake boobs. Which is a plus, so she's holding down the number 7 spot.
6. Selma Hayek- OH. MY. GAWD! Her tits are gi-normous! And they have a nice hang to them like they could rest on my arm like an eagle standing on a perch! And to top it off, she's Hispanic. If there's ever a chink in my armor it's for Hispanic women. Woo!
5. Kendra Wilkinson- Same for her as Heidi Montag. I just can stand hearing her speak a little more. And she's easier to like because shes openly a dumbass.

4. Christina Aguilera- The chick had mosquito bites in the "Genie in the Bottle" video, now she's rocking a stiff D cup! Christina got dirrrty, alright. There were a few years where I wouldn't touch her if she was wrapped in plastic, but she's cleaned up her act so I'll throw her a bone.

3. Jenifer Love-Hewitt- She's got some life-saving tits right there. Her boob job single-handedly revived her career. That's gotta count for something. I have a secret to share with everyone: I know what she did last summer....got a boob job!

2. Beyonce Knowles- Quick! Cue the rumor mill! Oh my god! Beyonce has fake tits?! Get over it, everyone's got them. Hell, I'm getting mine done in 3 months (I have an job interview and I need an advantage...wait?). She's got a great pair, real or fake. She deserves to be number 2...but number 1 is my all-time fav!1. Tiffani Amber-Thiessen- YES!!!!! Like I said my number 1 all-time fav. She probably gave me my first boner as Kelly Kapowski on "Saved by the Bell". And now 15 years later, she still is getting me stiffed up! Look at those things. I hope you tipped your plastic surgeon, Tiff, because that's a great rack.

World Series Game1 Live Blog

So I've gotten a lot of flack for the lack of coverage of the Yankees winning the pennant. Heading the lynch-mob was our old friend New York Mike. Yes, he's back. And he had nothing good to say. "Dude, I think it's pretty messed up that you haven't covered the Yankees. God knows you would be blogging away if the Red Sox won it. C'mon. We got nothing."

Well, Mike, it's true. I would be "blogging away" if the Red Sox won, asshole. That's because I have a deep-rooted love for the sawx. There are two reasons for me dismissing the Yankees winning the pennant:

1. I didn't want to write about it. Being the C.E.O., editor, and staff writer for the Improper Sportsonian I can do that. Big Whoop. Want to fight about it?
2. I had to get ready for the unveiling of Save the Ta-Tas Week. And I couldn't be bothered by something so trivial...joking.

But New York Mike does have a point. I'm actually excited about this World Series, which is more than I can say for last year. I was still hungover/heartbroken from losing to the Devil Rays. This year though has match-ups galore. So to make it up to New York Mike and the rest of the deprived Yankee fans I will be live-blogging, courtesy of CoverItLive.com.

It all kicks off at 7:17 p.m. Why watch the game at a shitty bar when we can talk shit safely via the internet. It's the coolest thing ever!

Phillies Fan Offers Sex on Craig's List for World Series Tickets

NYDailyNews.com-A "desperate" Philadelphia Phillies fan was arrested for offering to exchange sex for tickets to see her beloved team play the Yankees, investigators said.

Cops say Susan Finkelstein, 43, posted a pleading ad on craigslist saying she needed two tickets to baseball's biggest game. "DESPERATE BLONDE NEEDS WS TIX!" the ad was headlined.

"Diehard Phillies fan - gorgeous tall buxom blonde - in desperate need of two World Series Tickets," she allegedly wrote. Describing the price as "negotiable," she ended the ad flirtatiously: "I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!"

Bucks County Public Safety Director Fred Harran said an officer with the special investigations unit spotted the ad and set up a meeting with Finkelstein at a local bar.

The officer told her he and his brother had tickets to sell.

Finkelstein offered to perform sex acts on both of them, saying, "Well, I'd rather have two tickets, and I could take care of both of you."

"There was no confusion at all," Harran said. "She was pretty explicit in what she was going to trade."

Finkelstein is charged with a misdemeanor count of prostitution. No one answered her home phone yesterday, but she posted on Facebook that she "is wondering about the integrity of our 'police.'"

Two great Craig's List stories in the past two weeks. Unbelievable! This is why I love Craig's List. You can literally get whatever you want.

I heard that Phillies' fans like to hammer people, but to get hammered for World Series tickets? That's loyalty people. She's providing a service--as sloppy as it may be--and why shouldn't she be allowed to go to the game? These cops totally cock-blocked Finkelstein. Leave it to the cops to ruin a girl's dreams.

Isn't this America? The Land of the Free? Home of the hoes? Foreigners come in to this country illegally in search of find the American Dream. But what about the Americans in search of the American Dream? Are we going to lock all of them up and and prosecute them for prostitution? I sure hope not.

The Best Side Boob Photos You'll Ever See

Okay. Admittedly, it will be tough to top the best nipple slips in Hollywood. But that's not gonna stop the Improp from bringing you the best side boob shots Wednesday has to offer. Side boob--if done right, ladies--can be a very beautiful thing.

And while I have you hear, let me reiterate something. This week is not to make a mockery or put down women at all. I love women. This is a celebration of all things beautiful. And women are beautiful, delicate flowers. I'm a momma's boy. I know how it goes.

Now that we have shit straight, on to the side boobs! Today we will start outside the top 10 at the honorable mention side boob shot.

11. Victoria Beckham- Without question the girl is a smokeshow. Forget her husband, I'd like to see how she can bend it. BUT inner side boob flops in comparison to the outer side boob shot, always.10. Elisha Cuthbert- Same problem for this seductive "girl next door". A grade A bombshell but she's not working the outer side boob! To her credit, she's got that super low-cut shirt so that the inner side boob shot is at least bearable!

9. Jennifer Anniston- Now she's got the right idea! This isn't vulgar, either. Remember that a little side boob can go a looooonnng way. Plus she looks ripe for the picking with those jean shorts on. Only critique: move that elbow, girl!
8. Molly Sims- If anyone knows anything about proper side boob etiquette it's Molly Sims. The veteran swimsuit model's side boob is the emphasis of the whole photo. Work it!7. Mariah Carey- She is one of the original queens of cleavage. Mariah has mastered the art of side boob, as evidence here. She looks fully clothed, but the side boob view goes almost to the nipple! Incredible. She's walking the fine line between cleavage and exposure.

6. Ali Landry- Love the arm-covering-boob shot. The only thing better is the hand-covering-boob shot.
5. Joanna Krupa- There's nothing sexier when a girl is arching her back. And when there's massive side boob action coupled with it, it's damn-near life-threatening. I have no idea who this is, but with side boob like that, I'd like to find out!

4. Jessica Biel- Love this picture! Not only do you get terrific side boob, but you get the front shot from the mirror! A double threat!3. Brooke Burke- Look at that hand! It's just gently cupping the breast, leaving a great side boob. I love this picture, that's why it was so tough to make it the number 3 choice.
2. Katherine Heigl- For the record, she looks like a goddess in the picture. And once again there's my favorite hand-over-boob pose. But there's a bit of irony here. Heigl would not show her breasts in Knocked Up, but she has no problem showing nearly everything in this photo. I hate to love this hypocrite.1. TNA Girl- I have no idea who this chick is, but she has enough side boob to make an entire crack. Forget the face, the girl has got body for dayyysss. I know I said the hand-covering-boob shot is the best, but the sombrero-covering-boob tops it all. The number one side boob photo is here.

Celtics Kick Off NBA season against the Cleveland LeBrons

The Big 3 and the rest of the Boston Celtics kick off their 2009-2010 campaign on the road against LeBron James and the Cleveland LeBrons. The only thing better would be Celtics-Lakers, but this is clearly the class of the Eastern Conference.

I, unlike a lot of people, couldn't wait any longer for the NBA to start back up. The Celtics reloaded with a couple of savvy veterans and hope for KG to rebound nicely from off-season knee surgery. Off-season acquisition Rasheed Wallace will be providing a breather for KG as he will be the more-than-likely sixth man. If nothing else, he will be the comedic relief for fans; drawing up technical after technical. Doc Rivers has even said that he's not going to control Wallace's technical mishaps.

The other key free agent pick-up was veteran guard, Marquis Daniels. He will be a role player off the bench, providing rest for Paul Pierce and Ray Allen.

In other Celtic news, forward Glen "Big Baby" Davis suffered a thumb fracture after getting in to a scuffle with an unnamed ex-teammate this past week. Davis, who took up MMA in the summer, said he was defending himself. Rivers and Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck both said they expect to Davis to be suspended. I love the fact that you're taking MMA to whoop up on Shaq and the fellow big-men of the Eastern Conference, Glen, but don't fight your former teammates! Big Baby was an intricate part of the Celtics '09 postseason, and he is going to see more playing time after stepping up in the place of KG last season. Get it together, Glen. You're a champion, act like one.

And, yes, I went the entire article without mentioning the C's X-Factor. RAJON RONDO! Celtics take down the opener, 107-103.

The Top Nipple Slips in Hollywood

Give me a whoo-ha Two Times Tuesday! Yes! The Improper Sportsonian will be doubling your pleasure. I hope you all enjoyed "The Blackest White Kid You Know presents: The Filthiest Raps Songs by Women" yesterday. I know I did. But, today, we are one-upping Monday.

Do you love nipples? Do you love sexy celebrities? Do you love nipples on sexy celebrities? Well, you've came to right site because the Improp has all three for your viewing pleasure. Let's kick off this party with our honorable mention nipple slip.

11. Charlotte Church- If I knew those nips were going to be in church every Sunday, I would be a priest by now! Ms. Church is portrayed as a goody-girl opera singer, but this picture may say otherwise. Outside the top-1o until she befriends Paris Hilton. Step it up, girl.

10. Anne Hathaway- Starring in "The Devil Wears No Bra". I love this look. She's essentially covering up every inch of her body. It is just covered by the thinnest material on Earth. Fine by me, Ms. Hathaway. Elegance meets slut. Keep doin' what you're doin' white girl.

9. Katie Price- I don't who this chick is, but I'm digging it. If there's one thing I love more than nipples, it's nipples poking out of a patriotic dress. The Improper Sportsonian supports the troops and this beautiful country we call home. Apparently Ms. Price does too. She's stopping terrorism one nipple slip at a time!
8. Goldie Hawn- Gravity may have taken over a bit, but damn does she still have a rack! Ever see your Grandmother's nipples? That's what Mrs. Hawn's are like, except you don't cut your dick off afterwards. If she can stay this perky in her 50's-60's, her daughter should get a hold of her plastic surgeon!

7. Sienna Miller- This will be a reoccurring theme. Tube top + harsh waves of the Pacific = NIPPLES!! Pretty simple equation. You'd think women, like Ms. Miller, would have caught on by now. But I must say, I would love to nibble on those nipples. Look at them, they're like baby toes!
6. Kate Moss- Are you really surprised here? If this was a first-time offense, I may have bumped her up a notch. But she's a habitual nipple-slipper. She went for shock appeal with the cooter slip, too. You're hot Ms. Moss, but you need to class that act up. You know and I both know those blurs are wayyyyy too big, get it together toots.

5. Pamela Anderson- Now what would this list be without Pamela Anderson, The Queen of all things Tits? And despite her craved-up face, she looks quite good here. Love that tight red dress! And I love nothing more than a nice thick mane to tug on ;)
4. Kirsten Dunst- Pop quiz! What + what = nipples? It's back, just like I told you it would. I think Ms. Dunst has an infatuation with showing her nipples. Remember that romantic kiss with Spider-Man in the rain? Guess who made a special guest appearance? Yup, you guessed it! Her nipples! This tops Sienna Miller's topless shot because you get to see bottom boob. Love it!

3. Courtney Cox- (Note* The nipple equation does not apply here. All thanks goes to the mini-playboy-in-training who grabbed him some boob.) Hilarity meets sexuality. What's better than a MILF with a perfect rack? I'll tell ya that is one lucky kid, if he gets to feed from those funbags everyday. With tits like those I wouldn't be surprised if her bras "accidentally" ended up in Chandler's dresser.
2. Adriana Lima- Probably the hottest woman on the planet. Something about South American girls. They're so fucking exotic! Especially when they're nipples are bursting on the screen. This was a tough decision to make here between 1 and 2, but I had to give the silver medal to Ms. Lima for the lack of nipple exposure. I still would love to date you, Adriana. Don't hold it against me!1. Jessica Simpson- Hands down my number one celebrity lay. Perfect face. Perfect tits. No brain. Lots and lots of money. If you're in to the Kevin Federline-type, Jessica, then hit me up! This embodies everything-Anne Hathaway's elegance meets slut, Goldie Hawn's nipple peek, plus a super low-cut shirt to show off her puppies as it is. It's got it all. Enjoy!That's it, folks! I hope you enjoyed the "Top Nipple Slips in Hollywood"! If you have any additions or comments or arguments about the list please feel free to leave your comments below.

Be sure to check in tomorrow for the best side boob shots...ever. It should be faboobulous!

The Blackest White Kid You Know presents: The Filthiest Rap Videos by Women

Monday kicks off the first day of the Improp's "Save the Ta-Tas Week". And what better way to get this week started than with the Blackest White Kid You Know?

I've surfed the net high and low in search of the most vulgar, sexually explicit, grab-your-kids-and-tell-them-earmuff-it raps songs done by the opposite sex. And after hours and hours of searching I found my top three filthiest songs, not to mention a new late-night site that will be stored for personal use. HA!

Without further adieu here is video #3, Snoop Dogg ft. Lil' Jon & Trina-"Step Yo Game Up". The whole song is down-right filthy, but when Trina bursts on the track with 'P-U-S-S-Y' you know your ears are about to be soiled.


Here is video #2, Khia-"My Neck, My Back". Many women find this song to be very offensive, but me? I find this to be empowering. Like a stripper, this song makes women feel superior to their male counterparts...kinda.


And now to the finale. Unquestionably the filthiest rap song ever, male or female. Riskay's "Can I Smell Yo Dick?" The song's about a girl who feels that her boyfriend is cheating on her and to figure out the problem she wants to smell his dick. Easy enough, right? The number 1 filthiest rap song by a woman, hands down!


Be sure to tune in tomorrow for the top nipple slips in Hollywood! Until then....just smell yo dick!

Ye Olde England Patriots Invade London; Beat Yucs

New England is coming! New England is coming! It was one by land and three by air as Ye Olde England Patriots conquered the Tampa Bay Yuccaneers, 35-7, at Wembley Stadium in London.

Truly a celebration of America today. Not only do we stuff our version of "football" down the throats of the Red Coats, but we add insult to injury by sending over the New England Patriots. Oh, the irony. It kills me! You think the NFL had a hidden agenda in doing this? I'm on to ya, Goodell. And I like i!

It apparently killed Tampa, too, as the failed to step off the plane. This is the second straight week the Patriots have capitalized on vulnerable prey. Which is fine. Let Brady and company pick up some confidence going in to the bye week. After their Week 8 bye their schedule is as follows: 11/8 MIA, 11/15 @Ind, 11/22 NYJ, 11/30 @NO.

These last two weeks have been exactly what they needed; time to fine tune their game and get their key guys healthy (i.e. Wes Welker, Jerod Mayo).

Here is a recap from the Patriots Invading the UK featuring the single "Hate" by Jay-Z & Kanye West from The Blueprint 3.

The Improper Sportsonian presents: Save the Ta-tas Week

Because I love tits as much as the next guy. October is the official Brest Cancer Awareness month and instead of giving out rubber bracelets or shitty baked goods, we here have a better idea.

The Improper Sportsonian goes tit for tat! All week, we will be bringing you the best breasts in Hollywood, the nicest nipples in the nation, and the top boob jobs--in the most tasteful of ways, of course.

It's a celebration, bitches. So get your best bikinis and busty bras, ladies, and show off what you got. It's all for a good cause. Let the public know you and your breasts are not going to hide from the evils of breast cancer. Set those puppies free, I tell ya! Wear those low-cut shirts. Bras? Kick 'em to the curb and just hang loose. Flash those nosy construction workers yelling obscene things. Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself. This is an empowering week, ladies, don't miss out on the opportunity to wo-manhandle your ta-tas.

Be sure to check in tomorrow for "The Blackest White Kid You Know Presents: The Filthiest Rap Songs by Women". In the mean time, let's kick off this momentous week with a segment from Chappelle's Show entitled: "Great New York Boobs".
Great New York Boobs

Chappelle's Show
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

The Improp Presents: The Comedy Minute featuring Jimmy Fallon

A little weekend entertainment on a rainy evening in Long Island. Jimmy Fallon is one of my new favorite SNL alum. He thrived when the show was on a dry spell. And even though he has drawn a lot of criticism for laughing through the majority of his sketches, he still continues to bring funny material to the table. I personally find it hysterical when the cast cracks a smile.

My friend Ryan showed me this sketch from The Best of Jimmy Fallon DVD. It features Fallon and Horatio Sanz playing Italian "cork soakers". Enjoy!

Michael Beasley Sleeps off Rehab

In what the Miami Heat are calling a "team organized fishing trip", Michael Beasley and a female-companion seem to be passed out surrounded by empty beer bottles.

The pictures were taken by a TMZ photographer on October 10 in Miami Beach during the Columbus Day Regatta. A Miami executive stands firm that Beasley was drinking "nothing but water and purple Gatorade". That's it? Water and purple Gatorade? Well if that's the case, then I want that purple stuff!

Beasley, the 2008 no. 2 overall pick, checked into a Houston rehabilitation center in early August for possible substance and psychological issues.

His rehab revelation came after a backlash stemming from a picture posted on his Twitter account. The picture was of a tattoo on Beasley's back reading "Supercool Beas", but in the background of the picture were bags allegedly filled with marijuana. Beasley reacted negatively to the poor publicity and left disturbing tweets on his Twitter, which was later made inactive.

"Y do I feel like the whole world is against me!!!!!!! Back on my FTW!!!!! I can't win for losin!!!!!!!!!!"

"Feelin like it's not worth livin!!!!!!! I'm done...not feelin this at all!!!!!"

How did this photographer even get this close? Unbelievable journalism right here. Some where William Randolph Hearst is smiling. The Miami executive also made sure to say that his female snuggle partner was just a "friend" and that he was simply "tired" from a tough day at practice.

Alright, I'm in a fraternity and I've seen my fair share of drunken slumbers. And this is 100% a drunken slumber. It has to be--mouth ajar, limbs sprawled, beer bottles as far as the eye can see, drunken bitches who can't hang--it's all classic signs of a good time. I know it. Hell, those pictures were me two nights ago. The only problem is that Beasley is coming from rehab. Get it together man. You're getting paid too much money to end up like the next Reggie Lewis.