The Improper Sportsonian: TigerGate opens its doors to...Sex Rehab?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

TigerGate opens its doors to...Sex Rehab?

It just never ends with Tiger Woods huh? I just don't buy it. Tiger Woods, a fully-functioning male, has entered a sex rehabilitation clinic? He doesn't have a problem with having too much sex, he's just your average male. I'm serious. I don't buy all this sex rehab bullshit. I have a central theory surrounding why Tiger is looked at as such a fuck-up now.

And it's because he got married. There I said it. Let's think about it for a minute. Tiger Woods has been a global superstar since his young 20's. He's literally had the world at his finger tips since he could legally drink beer. You mix money, celebrity, and youth with an athlete and undoubtedly girls will flock to you like the salmon of Capistrano. I mean, we'd only be kidding ourselves if we think Tiger didn't have a slew of girls lining up to spend the night with him.

So what's changed? It's his marriage. Think about it. Does anyone care how many girls Derek Jeter sleeps with? As long as he's not married, guys envy him and girls want him. And before Tom Brady was married, the same rules applied. It's a part of our culture for a guy to bag a lot of girls, it's just not a part of married culture. Have you ever been talking to a guy who's telling you about all the girls he's messing around with and you think, "This guy's the man"? Then his wife/girlfriend walks up and suddenly you don't feel comfortable in your own skin. Cheating makes people queasy in America It's the same situation. In fact, Tiger's bedroom prowess wouldn't even be news in the National Inquirer if he wasn't married.

Which brings me to my next point, THE GUY IS NOT A SEX ADDICT. This is where I have a problem with women. Because if a guy doesn't want to have sex, it's a problem and he has to see a doctor or therapist. And if were having too much sex, women tell us we have a problem and we need to see a doctor or therapist. Truthfully, it's not a problem at all. Married women find it a problem that men are having so much sex, just none of it with them.

It's ingrained into our programming, as men, to have sex with just about anything that moves. It's not because we're pigs, just flawed. And for a male who is an exceptional athlete, the rules apply 10-fold. An athletic male gets more ass than anyone else. It's true. Ask any professional athlete and they will tell you they have as many girls as the league has teams. They have a girl for every city. During the Olympics, the IOC hands out condoms to all their athletes as they enter the Olympic Village. As they should. You put that many good-looking athletes in a confined area, all with about 6% combined body fat, and it's bound to be a sex brothel. Now does that mean they are all sex addicts? No, it's just the nature of the beast.

Tiger Woods has been a product of publicity stunts since he came into the sports world. Remember his first press conference as a 18-year-old boy when his first words to the press were, "Hello world."? It seemed to refreshing to be true. And it was. Sure enough a few weeks later, Nike came out Tiger's first commercial entitled "Hello world". Hhmmm. Fifteen years later, Tiger is still being told how to present himself.

This sex rehab shit is the same thing. He didn't check in because he thought that he had a problem. He checked in because his people thought the public needed him to do something about all the negativity that was around him. It's the same as when Lindsey Lohan checked into rehab for about two days every month or so--it would get the people off her back. Because let's be clear about something, we only know that Tiger is in rehab because he wants us to know that he's in rehab. As a journalist, a story gets broken because someone tells you to break it. That's it.

My only hope is that one day I can reach the point where my biggest problem in life is that I have too much sex. Here's some pics of the girls Tiger banged out.