Contrary to beliefs, Sammy Sosa has not received bleached treatment. He is not paying homage to Michael Jackson. It is--as a matter of fact--something far, far deeper.
The Improper Sportsonian is breaking news folks! We, here, have received insider information that Sammy Sosa has found a new calling in life: the Kamilaroi aboriginal tribe. It's not bleach. It is traditional Kamilaroi face powder. No lie! Feeling detached from society after being labeled a cheat, Sosa was longing for acceptance. A down-on-his-luck Sosa found himself tired of the superficial American life. He found a home in the cozy nook between Tamworth and Goondiwindi, west to Narrabri and Lightning Ridge, in northern New South Wales.
During his stay with Kamilaroi people, Sosa learned of the traditional creation stories and the history of Baiame, the spirit ancestor of the patron god. According to our source
s, Sosa also reportedly found love there as well. He sacrificed a small wildebeest for the hand of the goddess of fertility Birrahgnooloo.Once again. Let me reiterate. This is breaking news, brought to you first by the Improper Sportsonian! In no way, shape or form is this a fabrication. In addition, these are authenticated photographs and are by no means cropped by the Paint program. I take the integrity of this publication very seriously.
We have tried to get in contact with Sosa and his representation, however they declined to comment on the story. However, when we did stop by his New York apartment, we could hear nothing but monkeys shrieking, african rain sticks, and traditional aboriginal drums. We later confirmed that he was, in fact, reinacting Kanye West's "Love Lockdown" video.
For the last time. This is a true, and factual story. We are doing big things here at the Improper Sportsonian and this is only the starting point. Be sure to check in tomorrow for the lastest entry of the "Blackest White Kid You Know"!
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