The Perfect Holiday Gift: Darrelle "Snuggie" Revis

I was watching Thursday's game and I couldn't help but see one thing. Darrelle Revis. Every time I saw the ball, I saw Revis somewhere lurking. The guy is the definition of a ball-hawk. In only two and a half seasons, he has already risen to the top of the league. He gives Rex Ryan and his defense the luxury of putting single, man coverage on top-flight receivers; allowing an extra man to rush the passer and sit back and make a play on the ball. Having a lock-down corner such as Revis can be a defensive coach's wet dream. And Ryan has been blowing his load over Revis all season long. HA!

But it's not just NFL teams he's been frustrating. Revis leaves fantasy football owners cowering when they see "NYJ" next to their receivers' name. Steve Smith, Andre Johnson, Marques Colston, Terrell Owens, Randy Moss (twice!), and Mike Sims-Walker have all been held under 50 yards and 10 fantasy points when covered by Revis. The term "shut-down corner" doesn't do him enough justice. We have to think of a new word to describe the way this guy guards receivers.

And after watching Revis stop T.O. I have the perfect name for him. Revis doesn't simply blanket receivers. He straight Snuggies mother fuckers! Because sometimes blankets slip and slide. Meet Darrelle "Snuggie" Revis! The perfect holiday gift for all NFL receivers! With the Darrelle "Snuggie" Revis, receivers have the freedom to: set your DVR for NBC's Thursday night lineup, read a book in total warmth and comfort, use your laptop and not be cold, or enjoy a snack while staying snuggly warm! Pretty much do anything but help your team win! Does your star receiver need a week off but doesn't want to face the backlash of the media? Did he have a rough Saturday night at the Boom-Boom Room and still hasn't recovered from his hangover? The Darrelle "Snuggie" Revis is the only cure for your star receiver's problem. The Darrelle "Snuggie" Revis is available in dark green, and white. And for a limited time only we have the Titan blue and gold. Available while supplies last.

(PRODUCT DISCLAIMER: The Darrelle "Snuggie" Revis may cause reduced statistics to your wide receiver's numbers, gray hairs to your offensive coordinator, and heightened anxiety in your quarterback. All rights reserved. The title Darrelle "Snuggie" Revis is trademarked by the Improper Sportsonian.)